You can survive anything. It doesn't matter how shattered, weary and numb you feel. You're still alive. I know we're all in this far deeper than we'll ever know and trying to disentangle myself from that toxic world of chasing an ever-more elusive dream has been harder than I could ever imagine. But I'm still here.

The memories don't come back. Those hours of humiliation simply don't exist. Thanks for all the encouragement and love - without those comments I'd probably still be cowering here.

And this week... I got a boyfriend. Proof that if you present the most beautifully composed parts of you in a wholesome, cheerful package that you can deceive anyone into believing the lies you repeat everyday into the mirror... 'I am beautiful. I am not crazy. I am loveable. I am not crazy.'

When he holds me, I stop thinking. Finally silence. The Beautiful One, The User, The Long-term Crush just fade away. I have never been happier in my life than in silence in his arms.

if i could never leave my room again, huddle here forever. 6.30 in the morning - still drunk. Everytime I close my eyes, something else comes back.

ITS OK, I'VE HAD SEX WITH MORE GIRLS THAN GUYS, WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT. ITS NOT LIKE BEING HOT AND BISEXUAL IS A MASSIVE SECRET.

where the hell are my shoes? why are my clothes everywhere? how did i get into bed? who put me there? and why am I only wearing knickers?

HAHA EVERYONE ALWAYS ASKS ME THIS, I'VE HAD SEX WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE. I'M NOT A SLUT, I JUST LOVE SEX.

this is the academic dream, oh god I've fucked up massively this time. How do i go out there and hold my head up out in public after sexually propositioning most people in the bar last night? these weren't just random people, I have to see them every single day for the next three years.

I'M NOT DRUNK, I JUST CAN'T WALK ANYMORE.

oh god.

screaming, choking, crying in the shower. clawing this repulsive flesh. silencing everything, everyone.